I never knew that someone could change my life so drastically until the day I met her. She was fearless, quirky, and energetic. My first encounter with her happened by chance. It just so happened that that very day my mom had watched a television show about how kids should have at least an hour of outside time a day. With her newly gained knowledge she confiscated my books and pushed me outside into the warm, sunny day. I grumbled. Why did I never have a say in my activities. Why should I be forced to walk around in the hot sun when I much would have rather been sitting on my bed, as the air conditioning hummed above me, traveling into one of many alternate realities I could escape to through my books. I would much rather be running through the South American rainforest looking for the land of the lost people in my mind, than dismally walking down the block as the sun beat down on me. Walking by the school playground, I saw her. I had never seen her before, not that I saw much of anyone due to the fact that I had been home schooled my whole life. But her worn jeans with so many holes in them that one more rip would turn the pant leg into shorts and eccentric blending of layered shirts made her stick out like a sore thumb in our small town of uptight, preppy and privileged kids.
That is when she turned her head and smiled at me. Suddenly I felt self conscious about the 200 dollar pants my mom had insisted I wear and the ironed polo shirt. I must have looked just like the kids I can’t stand.
the guilt that the character feels really comes through in this piece, it makes me feel bad for him. Very good
ReplyDeleteI feel like this is the beginning of a really great story!! I liked how its told in first person, and how the narrator remains nameless.
ReplyDeleteIt also slightly reminded me of the main character from Mean Girls, before she moves to the United States.
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I like how you write this from the perspective of a child. You really captured that way of thinking and talking. I want to know a little more about this girl and why she is important.
ReplyDeleteI really liked that you used first person, it gave readers the opportunity to feel her guilt. It reminds me of the movie Thirteen which i really like!
ReplyDeleteI liked it.. Add more of
ReplyDeleteSorry my iPad cut off what I meant was add more info about her purpose why is she there
DeleteI think this is a really good start. Some of the details feel a tiny bit jumbled or thrown in at the beginning, like they aren't really serving a purpose. Other that than, I like it. I like the way that you define the character.
ReplyDeleteI like the different and more grounded approach to the prompt. I thought that the ending segment (about clothing) was distracting and made me feel as if I missed something.
ReplyDeleteI really liked it. I think you can add more to it. I like how you really captures the perspective of a child.
ReplyDeletenice moment. setting up a contrast is a good technique in writing because it allows for you to play with comparing and contrasting with the juxtaposition. these two characters are ripe for this in their appearance already.
ReplyDeleteI like your writing style. Id would be cool to learn more about her. It was cool how you communicated a lot by showing rather than telling.
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